So I realized last night that my problem with the French class this session is not so much that level 3 (for which I was already apprehensive about being underprepared and for which only a couple of us registered) got lumped in with level 4 (although that definitely throws me in over my head vocabulary-wise), it’s that I don’t feel comfortable making conversation with strangers in English, much less in a language with which I am only partially acquainted.
I don’t want to make chit-chat, and having to look up every fourth word in the French-English dictionary makes it virtually impossible even if I did want to. So I sit there like a lump, and do my best to listen and understand the more convivial class members. (This is basically what happens when I go to any social gathering.) And then I go home and put a great deal of time working on the written homework assignments. Writing I like.
Recently, I read this book and wish it was required reading for every teacher. It makes the case, supported by research, that some of us do not thrive in situations where speaking up and working collaboratively are valued. Being forced to do this over and over is not a good thing for some of us. Some of us thrive and do our best work quietly and independently, yet the vast majority of teachers I have had (elementary school through undergraduate and lots of continuing ed) seem to operate on the premise that what’s best for their students is to require “class participation” and working collaboratively. Even yoga teachers require frequent pairing up for supported poses. I stopped going to my former favorite ballet class because pairing up and talking became a major part of the structure of every class.
The pair-up/work-in-a-group dynamic thing has been a lifelong problem for me in any kind of education or work situation. Having lived for just about five decades now, having been forced to do this again and again in every class I’ve taken or social event I’ve had to attend since the age of five, I have come to realize that being pushed “out of my comfort zone” does not work for me.
Yes, I am trying to learn a language here, and yes, the whole point of language is communication. And if wanted to go make friends on my trip to Paris I’m sure this class experience would be invaluable. But I don’t. I want to understand signs and directions, and to be able to ask for the bare minimum of assistance, to get to places where I can sit quietly by myself and sketch and listen, order coffee and chocolate croissants and falafel, and buy a few things at a market to take back to the apartment and cook. So if I make myself return to class next week, I give myself permission to continue to sit like a lump and listen, and write.
the view from a room 